I usually wake up early and have to wait for my bus to come to bring me to the metro, fight the masses of people in the metro, and then make it to work in the center of the city within a hour, an hour and a half on a bad day if there's traffic. So, yesterday, I enjoyed a relaxed morning and relished in the fact I wouldn't have to fight anyone in the metro.
I breezed through the usual bureaucracy at my university, and though it ended up taking me the whole day, I went home with everything I needed (exam dates, thesis deadlines, graduation date - my institute has a don't ask, don't tell policy. You don't ask, they'll never tell you what you have to do or when.) I even received comments that I looked refreshed, got compliments on my new haircut, and enjoyed some small talk with a few acquaintances that I hadn't seen in a while.
I stopped into the Office for International Students to ask one of the assistant directors a quick question. This particular woman met me on my first day at my university, when I was wide-eyed, nervous and completely lost. A surprisingly pleasant conversation ensued, during which she remarked to me, "Katya, you look so changed. You look wonderful. Kazhetsa, Rossia tebye idyot." It seems, that Russia suits you.
When this phrase is used, it is usually used to describe the way a piece of clothing or haircut compliments a person. "Eta maika tebye idyot." That shirt looks good on you.
Russia suits me?
That phrase has been swirling in my head since then. At first, I took it as a compliment. I left the institute walking on air, proud that I was able to get through a day of bureaucracy without fights or squabbles, that everyone in the institute understood me, respected me, was even kind to me. I was proud to have gotten to that point after two years of struggles and fights (both with others and myself), wins and losses. Proud that I had learned not only how to survive, but thrive in Russia.
Then, almost as quickly as I had obtained this nirvana-like state, it all crumbled. I came home to a message conveying more complications with my American diploma equivalency (without this, I can't get my Russian diploma) and issues with some membership cancellations that might pose a risk to my credit. In dealing with these headaches, all the bad memories started to flood back - hours and hours wasted studying and toiling for non-existent tests or waiting in line just to ask a professor a question, only having access to a laundromat once-a month, getting sick repeatedly, being treated poorly or taken advantage of by Russian acquaintances, a broken engagement....and I thought....Russia suits me?
I've said it many times, Russia is a complicated place. Everything about it is complex...its history, culture, politics, people, way of life.....it all seriously challenges a person, and will continually put you in the position of questioning just who you are. There are very few societal norms here, the country is lost in a transition between old and new, traditional and modern, and therefore, you must decide for yourself just how you will act. You are just as likely to get berrated for doing something you think is right as you are to be encouraged to do something you think is wrong, and vice versa. So, the question you must ask yourself when you are living in today's Russia is, if you allow yourself to be encouraged to so something not necessarily right, what will that be, and if you're going to get in trouble, what would you be willing to get in trouble for?
In short, who are you, and what do you stand for?
There may be new cars crowding the streets and Dolce and Gabbana on all the girls in Moscow, but Russia as a whole is a wild West of morality, waiting to be pioneered.
So, yea, in a way, Russia suits me. Living in Moscow has helped me gain a better sense of myself. I now value certain aspects of my life more than I did before moving here (such as my own health and my family), and take other aspects less seriously (such as meeting other's expectations, or, just what "doing the right thing" means). I also am a heck of a lot more comfortable in my own skin. But I also know now that I'm an American, and no amount of Russification or living abroad will change that, and it's time for me to return home for a bit.
Russia suits me. But only in the way that a special shirt or tie you wear once and a while when the mood strikes; In a way that allows you to make a statement of who you are.
0 comments:
Post a Comment